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Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
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12:17 am - why is love so complicated.....
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Okay, I had a live journal before but never got time to post in it, nor did i feel the need to have one. Tonight, however, I created a brand new one because I decided it would be a good place for me to vent, complain, or just ramble about things going on in my life that I can't really talk to people about. The event that inspired me creating this journal happened just a few minutes ago, while I was talking to my boyfriend online. First, though, some background info. My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 3 months now (it'll be 3 months on the 16th). We got together when my friend told him that I liked him, however i never spoke to him before she told him about me, so we didnt really know each other. So basically from the moment we met he knew I liked him. Our first date was to the Homecoming dance at school. It was so great, we had a really good time just kind of getting to know each other and spending time together. We actually "officially" became a couple on that night. After that we did all sorts of things together. Then, I found out that I would be moving away. It absolutely broke both our hearts, but we decided to just worry about the present and not think about my moving just yet. After only two weeks of us being a couple, and about a month after we met, he told me that he loved me. I'll admit that I wasn't sure how I felt about it at the time, because it was so soon. I thought maybe he was only saying it because I would be moving away, or because the setting was right, I dunno...but I said it back. I must have gone back and forth a thousand times befor I decided that I really did truely love him, and I believed he loved me too. Then I found out I wasn't moving away! It was awesome. We were both really happy. All this drama, and we were just celebrating our one month anniversary, lol. So anyway, since those days, he's told me he loves me on almost a daily basis. I love hearing it and I love saying it, because he's the most amazing person I've ever met...He's sweet and charming, and very cute too, lol. But...and yes there's a but......I know he feels strongly for me, and I know he loves me, but I just wish that he would maybe, I dunno, show it more...now as I say this I'm reflecting on all the times he has said it, amoung other wonderful things he's said to me, but then I think about all the in-between times...like I said, this new journal of mine was inspired by an event occurring a few minutes ago. I was talking to him online, and...no I have to say something else first, lol. Earlier today I was talking to my mom and she said "Does Steve treat you right? He's good to you right?" and I said "Yes he's wonderful, he treats me very well." My mom asked me this because my dad, who is now divorced form my mom, used to make my mom feel bad. She said he used to belittle her in front of people, ya know like make jokes about her and stuff. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but always being the punch line of a joke can be kind of annoying, and I know because I'm always made fun of by my family, and I know that they only joke around, but it hurts sometimes. Anyway, after my mom asked me that and I got up and went to my room, I started thinking. Steve (my boyfriend in case you havent figured it out yet) makes jokes about me a lot. I now he's only kidding....and I know he cares a lot about me....but sometimes it's embarrassing, and just plain aggravating. I mean, he says he loves me right? Now, I don't want to be one of those girls who pushes her boyfriend around and asks for stuff all the time, but I do wanted to be respected and appreciated. I want to feel special. There are things that steve says that make me feel like the luckiest girl alive, but sometimes he says things that make me feel kind of stupid. I just think that if he loves me he should treat me like a princess ya know? not to sound conceited or anything. okay now for what I've been trying to get to, that event that inspired this journal, lol. Well i had a very short conversation online with him earlier, because he had to go, but before he left he didn't say "I love you", or "love ya" or anything. This was right after i had been thinking about him sometimes making fun of me, and i actually whispered right before he signed off "please say it, please say it", just softly to myself. And then he didn't...and I started crying a little....there were tears.....I mean, he made me cry....not intentionally of course, but you hear about people in love, people who call each other just to say I love you, or people who send emails constantly just to find out how their bf/gf's day went, that's the kind of love I want....Steve never calls me unless he's asking me to come over or something, and he never rights emails to me, just sends me forwards. Even when I send emails to him he doesnt write back too often. Okay, I'm making him sound like a jerk here....he really isnt a bad boyfriend at all, he does everything i would ever want in a boyfriend, but to me, once you say those three words it means something more, it means a little more in the relationship...and if he isnt ready to do more than the average "boyfriend", maybe he shouldn't have told me he loved me...and this hurts...it really does, because I know no matter how he feels, I love him......
current mood:  crushed
current music: none
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